So this is what senior year is like...

Yes yes, we were in a car accident. Worst day of my life, August 30 2004. I don't want to talk about it.

This semester's crazy. I've got lots of reading because I'm in two novel-based classes, and a ton of memorization ahead of me thanks to American art. And then there's my thesis. Today I definitely made progress in that department, because in talking with my advisor I finally narrowed my research down to something interesting and -best of all- feasible.

We had flooding in Easton this past weekend due to the lovely Hurrican Ivan that swept through the area, though he was hardly a hurricane. Still left plenty of damage though. I'm happy to say that Ivan didn't prevent me and Alyssa from seeing Michael Buble in concert at the state theater. He's a great performer and the show was a ton of fun. Plus he's gorgeous.

I feel the stress of the semester settling in already, with working as a WA, having to read two novels simultaneously, trying to stay on top of an ever-expanding list of art works, and having to produce research for my thesis. When will I have time to apply for grad school?? Erm... I went to the career fair today and got information about AmeriCorps and I think that might be an option for me. I'm not sure that jumping right into grad school without knowing exactly what I want to be doing would be a good idea.

The deadline for the Marquis literary magazine is coming up. I want to get published, just once while i'm here. But I don't have anything to submit so that's something else I have to work on.

So in sum, I'm glad I picked up the stress ball from the URS table at the career fair tonight. If it survives the year in one piece I'll be surprised.

Jonathan Swift is officially invited to bite me.

I quit Excel today. Well, not really quit, I just told my professor that I had finished up all my work and that I'd rather just be finished than get more. And he was fine with that. I was relieved. Anyway, I'm done with researching Jonathan Swift poetry... forever!! yaaay!
I also ran into my thesis advisor today, we talked a bit for the first time since June. I had been avoiding him since I wasn't getting all the work done that I needed to. But lately (thanks to lots of stressing out, missing out on fun times and a significant lack of sleep) I've been getting a lot more work done. So when I saw him today, I didn't panic. That's always a good thing. And now that I have two free days thanks to no more Excel research, I'll be able to dedicate a lot more time to Shakespearean film.

I hope that in this year to come, I can remain focused on my goals but have fun while doing it. These past three years have been the best of my life, and I want to leave here with lots of happy memories of my senior year, not just a diploma and an ulcer.

I drink Newman's Own lemonade straight from the carton

I spent this past weekend in Laporte, drove up there with all sorts of glowing intentions to get some serious work done on my thesis.
Well, the first night there was shot, because I got to playing around with my webcam, trying to get the blasted thing installed on my computer. Then a bat got in our house, probably when I was unloaded my car of all my crap. The bat was a small little bugger when it landed, but when it was flying around, it seemed significantly bigger (read: scarier) because of the wings. After much shrieking and falling off of furniture (this is how a klutz like me gets designated Bat Catcher: mom's only capable of emiting high-pitched shrieks whenever it gets near her, waving her hands over her head and running away... and dad sits in his chair, reading, ignoring our melodrama) I finally managed to catch it in a clear plastic container. After a teeny bit of close up inspection as it was freaking out inside of its oxygen-deprived prison, I set it free outdoors and it flew off into the woods.
I spent all of Friday working for Professor Woolley, it was quite boring, as usual. That night I watched "Much Ado About Nothing" with mom, but couldn't find anything really to take notes on, so I'm thinking I won't be using that film for my thesis...
Saturday I accomplished some mad sleeping in, read a book called "Hateship, Friendship, Courtship, Loveship, Marriage," which is on my reading list for my contemporary fiction class this semester. I'm trying to get ahead of the reading because of the whole thesis thing. After dinner I wrote some preliminary research stuff for my thesis, then got sucked into creative writing and wrote late into the night. Nighttime seems to be my peak time for writing stuff like that. I'm working on three pieces at the moment, "the photograph album," the beginning of which is an earlier entry in this blog, a piece about a teenage girl called "summer" and another one that is untitled at the moment. In the last one, I'm trying out stream of consciousness a little bit. Nothing extraordinary, but amusing for me anyway.
Sunday we went to church and there was this great musical group of about six guys called "Delaware Rag," and they played fun music during the service. The mandolin player was sort of dressed like he just stepped off the set of "Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman," but he was kinda cute so it was charming. They were good, too. http://www.delawarerag.com
Oh yeah! sometime during the past week, I sent an email to JE to try to establish contact. On Saturday, I got a response! I wasn't even sure he'd reply. When Carrie found out, she told me "Ok, don't get too excited about JE," and I was like "What? No! I'm just planning out the details of our wedding...." Puh-leaze. I mean seriously. It's just email. I'd like to get to know him better, that's all.

I'm a "I'm not Drunk" drunk... apparently...

What kind of drunk are you?

http://rumandmonkey.com/widgets/tests/drunk/">%20src=" Kind of Drunk Are You?
Brought'>http://rumandmonkey.com/">Brought to you by Rum and Monkey

A Case of the August Blahs

The wedding is over, the dresses are at the cleaners, the desserts from the bon voyage party still linger, but all the pictures are taken, the love songs have all been heard (or at least played, anyway), all that remains of my Italian adventures is three tee-shirts, a plethora of pictures, and a smattering of some Italian phrases that I'm trying to not forget. Now, all that's left is to research for my thesis, finish up my summer EXCEL research, study for the GRE, work on applications for scholarships for next year....

Take nose, press firmly against grindstone.

I wandered into the bookstore and chanced upon the books I'll need to buy for the James Baldwin course this fall. Easily several thousand pages of reading. Hm, an add/drop sheet may come in handy soon enough.... :-/

All about me...

1. What's your full name? Suzanne Marie Ryder
2. What color pants are you wearing? blue shorts
3. What are you listening to right now? jason mraz - waiting for my rocket to come
4. What are the last four digits of your phone number?  7900 (cell), 3270, 0002 (both home), 4144 (school)
5. What was the last thing you ate? cheese nips
6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?  a nice light blue. with sparkles.
7. Where do you plan to go on your honeymoon? Italy or Greece
8. Last person you talked to on the phone?  my parents
9. What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? eyes and smile.. definitely sense of humor
10. Your favorite drink: cranberry juice and chocolate milk (but not mixed together...)
11. Favorite alcoholic drink? malibu and coke, parrot bay "bay breeze"..
12. How do you eat an Oreo? dunk it. soft. mushy. yum.
13. Favorite sport? field hockey and soccer
14. Favorite sport to watch?  men's soccer
15. What's the next CD you're going to get? hopefully, linkin park and five for fighting
16. Did you ever wear braces? yep - 6 years
17. Best memories: in Laporte and Cape Cod with my family, 33 and other sleepovers with Lee Lee and Laura, band camp and random adventures with Alyssa, fun times with my Alpha Gams, my semester at st. andrews, three weeks in italy, Carrie's wedding
18. Siblings and their ages?   Carrie 26, Steve 25, brother-in-law Leif 26
19. Favorite month(s)? May,  October, December
20. Favorite food(s)?  chicken pot pie, sour cherry pie, key lime pie (noticing a trend?), pink lady apples, breads and other carbs, cranberry sauce... i love everything thanksgiving...
21. Last movie you watched? Scotland, PA
22. Are you too shy to ask someone out?  usually, but i always like the guy to make the first move :-)
23. Favorite place to go on a date: movies, coffee house
24. Do you like scary or happy movies better? happy!
25. Summer or winter? how about spring?
26. Hugs or kisses? from friends - hugs.. from hershey's - hugs.. from cute boys... 0:-)
27. Relationship or one night stands? Relationships. One night stands are out of the question
28. Chocolate or vanilla? I'm a chocoholic, definitely
29. Living arrangements?  in Pitman I live with my Mom and Dad, at college I live in a triple in Alpha Gam
30. What books are you reading? Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austin
31. What's on your mouse pad?   no mousepad anymore - yay for a mouse with a lasar thingie!
32. Favorite smell? yummy men's colognes (gotta love the pheromes), vanilla, yankee candle peach and buttercream
33. Least favorite smell? anything decaying.. also fake lemon scent (like in dishwashing liquid)
34. Favorite sound? music, laughter, rustling leaves and crunching snow
35. Worst feeling in the world?  feeling unattractive, invisible, unloved, and ignored
36. Favorite vacation spot? Cape Cod, Laporte PA, the Rocky Mountains, London, Scotland and Italy
37. How many rings before you answer the phone? usually 2
38. Glass is half empty or half full? half ful
l39. Favorite movie? Lord of the Rings, Shawshank Redemption, Run Lola Run, Braveheart, the Matrix, pirates of the caribbean, Love Actually, Bridget Jones' Diary
40. What's under your bed? me, my desk, books, my computer...
41. What is your favorite number? 3
42. Favorite current TV shows? Friends (the old ones), CSI, Law and Order.. but i don't watch much tv anymore
43. Favorite store to go shopping? any book store
44. Current Pets: Buffy (aka Gurgles, Kitten, Bunny)
45. What are some of the most memorable things that have happened this past year? SCOTLAND!! :-D and then ITALY :-D and then CARRIE and LEIF'S WEDDING :-) :-)
46. What are some things you would like to accomplish in the year to come: get good grades, be involved in lots of things, and have fun... oh yeah, and pass the GRE, get into a good grad school, get a Rotary scholarship for a year in England, get Honors for my thesis, be inducted into Phi Beta Kappa, graduate summa cum laude...
47. Favorite snack foods: carbs - crackers, cereal, that sort of thing
48. Number 1 condiment you can't live without: honey, cranberry sauce
49. Favorite Music: pop, broadway show tunes, rock, acapella, punk, some rap/urban
50. Favorite Band:  John Mayer, U2, Jason Mraz, Linkin Park, Eve 6, staind, all american rejects, simple plan, ben folds, five for fighting, Josh Groban, Dispatch
51. Favorite Gift to give: something fun
52. Favorite Gift to receive:  stuffed animals.. i'm a dork! also dvds because i love films
53. Favorite Flower: tulips
54. Favorite Candy:  baby ruth, peanut m&ms, pretty much anything chocolate.. and skittles
55. Favorite cookie: chocolate chip (especially if they're not fully cooked.. yummy!), double stuf oreos, christmas
56. Favorite Childhood memory: Christmas with my family, summers in Laporte
57. Favorite Board game: Cranium, Trivial Pursuit, Scrabble
58. Favorite Website:   launch.yahoo.com/musicvideos
59. Favorite Cartoon Character: Eeyore, Care Bears (especially Cheer Bear!), and Nemo
60. Favorite article of clothing: my dark blue express jeans, my st. andrews t-shirt, and my express zipper hoodies
61. What are you wearing right now:  blue shorts and a free lafayette reunion weekend t-shirt
62. Country you've never been to but would like to go:  Greece, China, Spain, Norway
63. Favorite Green Vegetable:  peas, especially fresh from the back yard garden in the summer, zuccinni, and cucumber (i love veggies. just ask Alyssa)
64. Favorite Fruit: pink lady apples, red grapes, strawberries, Laporte blueberries, mangos, kiwis, summer tomatoes
65. Favorite Meat: chicken or turkey
 66. Position you sleep in most: on my stomach, snuggled under lots of blankets
67. Favorite Holiday:  Christmas and Easter
68. Least favorite creature: spiders (especially the nasty ones that live on the windows of Hugel!!)
69. Favorite Animal:  kittens, bunnies, duckies, puppies, anything little and fuzzy and cute
70. Favorite Pet: Cats.. but dogs are starting to win me over
71. Favorite Thing about yourself: probably my hair and my eye color, my sense of humor.. i love to laugh
72. Least favorite thing about yourself:  being too shy or  stressing out too much, and how i'm so bad with remembering people's names!!
73. Favorite Weather:  crisp blue perfect weather,  and foggy and misty mornings in the spring
74. Favorite time of day:  sunset!! and evening / night (but I also like the quiet of really early mornings, i just rarely see them haha)
75. Favorite dessert: Sour cherry pie or key lime pie
76. Favorite thing to do in your spare time: read, write, listen to music --and sing along -- sometimes loudly, be with friends, watch movies
77. Biggest pet peeve: mispelling my name, knuckle cracking
78. Most embarrassing moment: i always find giving the wrong answer in class extremely embarassing
79. Turn ons: good eyes, nice smile, intelligence, humor.. he's definitely got to make me laugh, strong shoulders, showing me respect, being sweet, being polite, dark curly hair, (especially dark curly hair with light colored eyes), being honest and sincere, older and taller than me, being goofy without being totally immature, being well-read
80. Turn offs: vulgarity, bad teeth, intentionally acting stupid, excessive cursing, lying, acting like a player, being egotistical, younger or shorter than me, smoking, being covered in tattoos, being rude or obnoxious, not reading anything except the back of his cereal box

Love Actually

I watched Love Actually tonight.. the part where the cute art exhibit owner guy tells Kiera Knightly that he loves her with those hand-made signs, without saying a word.. it definitely brought tears to my eyes. Because I want that. Not unrequited love, I've been there, that's no fun. No, I mean just love. The "to me, you're perfect" kind of love. If I could just find that, I would hold on to it and never let it go. Because it's one of the most beautiful things in the world. The people who have it are so lucky... and I'm sure those of us who don't, don't realize all that we're missing.

 
Now, enough with being a romantic sap... I'm going to bed. :-P

Angel

I sit and wait
Does an angel contemplate my fate
And do they know
The places where we go
When we're grey and old'cos I have been told
That salvation lets their wings unfold
So when I'm lying in my bed
Thoughts running through my head
And I feel the love is dead
I'm loving angels instead
 
And through it all she offers me protection
A lot of love and affection
Whether I'm right or wrong
And down the waterfall
Wherever it may take me
I know that life won't break me
When I come to call she won't forsake me
I'm loving angels instead
 
When I'm feeling weak
And my pain walks down a one way street
I look above
And I know I'll always be blessed with love
And as the feeling grows
She breathes flesh to my bones
And when love is dead
I'm loving angels instead
And through it all she offers me protection
A lot of love and affection
Whether I'm right or wrong
And down the waterfall
Wherever it may take me
I know that life won't break me
When I come to call she won't forsake me
I'm loving angels instead
 
And through it all she offers me protection
A lot of love and affection
Whether I'm right or wrong
And down the waterfall
Wherever it may take me
I know that life won't break me
When I come to call she won't forsake me
I'm loving angels instead
 
 
the Robbie Williams version is a hell of a lot better than the Jessica Simpson version.  Sometimes trying really hard to be sexy is not sexy at all.

Goin' to the chapel... and we're... gonna get maa-aaarried....

what a week this has been..
 
I spent the last ten days in Laporte, the longest stretch of time I've had there in over a year. (I keep remembering how in elementary school, the  parents would pick us up in the van on the last day of school and we'd drive straight up to Laporte, and we wouldn't come back until the first weekend in September. Those were the days. Every day down at the beach, swimming and building sand castles, or romping through the woods, and playing the complicated jailbreak-esque Blueberry Hill game that seemed to involve every kid on the beach. Now just a weekend there is precious, even just to relax and read.) I drove up to Laporte on the 10th, exactly one week before Carrie and Leif's wedding.
 
 I don't even know what all I did the whole week, it's such a blur of activity. Finished Puzo's The Godfather and almost finished To Kill a Mockingbird, for one.  Didn't do any work on my honors thesis, that's for sure, or any work for my summer research job to earn a few extra bucks, despite the fact that I had gone up there with every intention of putting in some serious hours on both.  Helped Mom around the house a lot, which I know she really appreciated, decorating the downstairs for the rehersal dinner (tapping into my artist-slash-martha stewart to become a tulle master) and doing some baking for her (my brownies were well-received, yay!) and spending some quality time with Carrie and Leif.
 
(I haven't known Leif for too long, but he already feels like a brother to me. He's a great guy, and I genuinely like him. I see how incredibly happy he makes my sister and I'm just thrilled for her that she's found such a good man.  Carrie is one of my favorite people in my whole life. I love her and look up to her so much, and I am so happy for her. )
 
Thursday was when it really started getting crazy.  That was the day that my brother Steve, the other bridesmaid Amy, and the three Vikings arrived. The Vikings are: Jon Inge, or JI; Erik, or Oatbags, and John Edward, or JE. The nicknames are of course the work of Carrie. (How she can give people nicknames and get them to accept them has always amazed me).  Andrea, Carrie's friend from high school, also showed up because she had volunteered to sing a solo at the wedding (Carrie chose "at last" at my suggestion, it is hands down my favorite love song. every time i hear the first few lines... "at last, my love has finally come along, my lonely days are over..." i get goosebumps). ... (ok ok, i'm a hopeless romantic... gimme a break). that night we all had a big lasagne dinner followed by a game of trivial pursuit (my team, Steve, JE and me, kicked ass).  Leif started teasing me that he "saw a spark" between me and JE, which I would neither confirm no deny because when Carrie heard him teasing me, she was like "Whaaaat?! No..." and then later "there will only be one romance this weekend" and finally "but Bob (that's me), he smokes, that's yucky to kiss!" and i'm just like, geez, i don't even know if he has a girlfriend, let's not get ahead of ourselves.
 
The big event of Friday was the wedding rehersal followed by the rehersal dinner. The wedding rehersal was great, I got some much-needed practice on walking down the isle (got scolded by the pastor for walking down too soon, walking too fast...). Carrie and Leif got to practice their vows, and though Leif said his without a problem, Carrie could only say the first phrase before she started bawling. She just buried her face in his chest and cried while he hugged her. She loves him so much, that she couldn't even finish practicing the vows because they made her cry so hard. It was so sweet.  After that was all done, we went back to our house where all the out-of-towners had gathered for the rehersal dinner. What a spread! it was catered, but mom still felt the need to contribute her own mini-feast, so there was no shortage of food. It was great to see people like Tom Swain and Dick and Susan Foot, cousins we hardly ever see. It was good to have them all gathered together in one place, too, for such a special occasion.
 
I talked more with JE, joking around and such, making each other laugh. I finally admitted (though only to myself) that I was developing a crush on him. It's pretty rare to find a guy who is both genuine and goofy, sincere and - hey, he likes to read! what more could i ask? But I tried not to get too flirty (my closest friends would say that that would be quite the accomplishment) because I didn't want to bother Carrie and plus I don't know if Leif's teasing is more encouraging me or more just teasing me coz he knows something I don't (like JE has a wife and three kids back in Norway ...or he was just being nice but told the other Vikings that I was totally not his type or something) ... (yeah, i'm a hopeless romantic and paranoid. it's a great combination). around 9:30, the three vikings decided to go (still dealing with jet lag, i think) and the other two asked JE if he wanted to stay longer, but his back was to me so I couldn't see his expression. then they asked me if I wanted him to stay longer, and i was just kind of like "errmm..." so yeah, it's all sorts of confused.
 
saturday was a long day. i woke up at 7:00, by then Carrie was already in the shower (i found out later that she woke up at 4:30 and couldn't go back to sleep, dad did the same thing only he woke up at 4:00). I showered and tried to blow dry my hair (given my klutzy nature, getting it moderately dry and semi-straight was a definite victory), then Amy and I went to get our hair done uptown. we were back at the house around 9:45, right on schedule. By then the boys (Dad, Steve, JE, JI, Oatbags and Leif) were all done up in their tuxedoes and looking all sorts of good. I went in to get dressed (i love my light blue gown) and help Carrie get dressed. I had to deliver Leif's wedding band to JE (the best man), and when I went out to him (they were all getting their pictures done in the driveway) he watched me walk up and gave me appreciative smiles so i think the only thing i could do was blush.  I had to try to help calm Carrie's nerves (she sipped ginger ale and tried not to feel sick) and then we got family pictures taken, and bridesmaids and bride pictures taken. 
 
around 11:00, we went to the church.  While Amy and I waited to go in, I looked back at Carrie standing by herself on the sidewalk, her big bouquet in hand, all done up in her white gown, just waiting, and I knew that I wouldn't get through the ceremony without crying. And I didn't - as soon as Carrie started walking down the aisle with dad, the tears started. It was a beautiful ceremony, Carried cried a lot but it was good crying. I was glad I had a stash of tissues hidden under my bouquet, because i had to keep slipping them to her through the whole wedding. once Carrie walked back down the aisle with Leif, all her jitters had gone and she was just beaming. I walked out with JE, then we all had to gether for the receiving line, and I stood next to JE because I figured the best man and maid of honor should stand next to each other, but it was also good to have the opportunity to joke around with him a little bit. Everyone took a surrey with two horses to the reception, and when Carrie and Leif eventually pulled up, we were all gathered in front of the Pavilion (where the reception was) and the pastor announced them as Mr. and Mrs. Leif Rune Evje, and we tossed rice at them, then went in for lunch.
 
One of the first things that happened at the reception was JE gave his toast, which was quite good, everyone laughed at his jokes, and was pretty intimidating because I had to give a toast too and I didn't think mine would match up. We had good food, but I actually didn't have much of an appetite because I was so nervous about giving my toast. I didn't think it would be good enough, I thought my parents wouldn't like it... I wrote it at quarter after 1 the night before. So when I got up to give it, I was practically shaking. But I did it, not without a few mistakes. When I finished I looked over at Carrie and she was bawling so I went over to hug her and I ended up crying too. So we just hugged and cried for a little. Dad and Uncle Dick also gave toasts, and Steve gave a little toast. We had cake and ice cream and it was a good time, even though there was no dancing (and therefore I couldn't have the traditional dance with the best man, boo, hiss.) it was a great time. Afterwards we went back to the house, decorated the car for Carrie and Leif for their honeymoon, said goodbye to the three Vikings *sniff, sniff*. I got a hug, but no contact info... hm, i may need to remedy the situation... then we sent Leif and Carrie off on their honeymoon to cape cod and maine.
 
So that was basically my week, it's definitely something I'll never forget. 
  
  to see pictures from this past week:
http://community.webshots.com/user/suzi10384
(my other accounts are under the usernames of suzi10382 (general pics and scotland) and suzi10383 (italy) ) so check them out as well, if you want.

remembering scotland...

since i seem to be a fan of obscure references, the title of this *lovely* piece of work that is my very own blog comes from the title of a movie... "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" ... there, that explains that.

started reminiscing with Alison about Scotland tonight, and it got me thinking......
...tea and biscuits...walks by the beach to collect shells and sea glass...my mosiac of sea-tumbled porcelain...Nawojka's homemade table/shelf thing...our kitty which was actually a mouse...the soccer players from next door, and the night we stalked them...fireworks on the beach and "yaaaay!! more!!"...Nawojka's smelly shoe incident...Lindsay's ever-changing hair color...all those nights when we invariably ended up at Aikman's...and of course Aikman's hot German bartender..."Luke is evil"...Hilary's penchant for having a Guster baby...Halloween with Alison and her crew...my girls being there for me when Paul turned into an ass and dumped me...hanging out in our kitchen all the time...our forgotten common room...kinder surprise madness...Emily talking to those of us in the kitchen from her room across the hall...me, Nawojka, and a couple bottles of Newcastle...our farewell dinner with Christmas popper things...Lindsay's early mornings and Emily's adventures along the coastal path...romping through London for a fantasmic weekend with Alison...cadbury's hot chocolate...Nawojka's onion and sugar remedy for when Alison and I got sick...the evil cat that Nawojka loved and Alison hated...the damn computer lab...megabus.com...the film society..."I slapped an Irish man's ass tonight!"...the pier with the ducks and the swans...and of course...Tesco.......

thongs and fireworks...

whadda weekend.

my sister's home now, the wedding's less than two weeks away. Friday night we had her bachelorette party with two of her friends from college. i had so much fun, she and her friends are hilarious and we had a blast. we took her out to dinner and ate ourselves silly on great pasta and decadent chocolately deserts. yeah, so my sister got a few pairs of "butt floss" and other miscellanious presents (some more x-rated than others) from me and the girls. we had a great time.

carrie's fiance flew in from norway saturday night, which made carrie practically bounce off the walls. Too bad Leif's luggage is MIA... but the 4th of july was lots of fun with him, even if it was reaching a nice level of the traditional disgusting south jersey summer swelter. monday night we watched fireworks over the lake (there's a "lake" in my town, it was the first superfund site in the US, and until it got cleaned up perhaps a better name for it would have been Alcyon Fetid Pool of Toxic Pollution instead of Alycyon Lake). but anyway, fireworks = good. of course, it seemed like everyone had someone special to snuggle up with, and me, well, my digital camera just isn't that snuggly. (don't you hate that? i hate that. being single and it seems like everyone around you is in love. bah. it's like every once in a while the universe needs to rub it in your face).... ummm, yeah. the fireworks display was good. i like the sparkly ones.

found out a girl that i went to high school with is now Miss New Jersey... yeah so I guess I'll be watching the Miss America pageant in sept. Go New Jersey! Woot! yeaaaahhh...

so i was at the gym working my tail off (and trying to ignore all the hard-core completely in shape people running or crunching right next to me) and i saw on the news about that u.s. marine that was kidnapped. the good news: he may have been released. . . the bad news: the reports are sketchy, and he may have been beheaded. ugh. i want this war to be over. i wish our *fearless leader* could have given some thought into what he was doing when he decided to bomb the shit out of a country that didn't do anything to us. i wish we had a way to get out of that mess. will a different president make a difference? will this new kerry/edwards team even be able to win the election? i know most people my age.. and most academics.. seem to despise Bush, but then, he's got huge support in the South, and the whole republican establishment is uniting behind him. i just want him out, and i'm not sure kerry's the man to do it.

The Photograph Album

Last night I resurrected a short story that I had started writing in April or May but then stopped once finals came around. Anyway, this is hardly finished, it's just my own response to last night's post. Comments/suggestions are warmly welcomed.

The Photograph Album
The olive green curtains in the living room were dingy and faded. She had never noticed that before. How long had they been hanging there? Twenty years? More? If her memory served her – and it often didn’t – she bought them from Sears and Roebuck around the time that Carter came into office. Adelaide frowned at the curtains hanging dejectedly before a grimy window. Those curtains – those damn curtains. She could remember what they looked like when they were brand new, the thick fabric thick and slightly crisp, George scolding her for spending frivolously when the old curtains would do just fine. Yes, she remembered now, she bought them shortly after she and George moved into this tiny apartment so many years ago, and they hung there when George died (was that seven years ago already?), they hung there on her first day of retirement. Adelaide brought a hand up to her cheek (ignore the tremors) as she gazed out the window, as the words formed stubbornly in her head. When did she get so old?
The yelp of a puppy and the laughter of children trickled up through the cool April air from a park across the street. Adelaide gingerly fingered the hem of the curtain, the material now soft and slightly dusty as she watched the children play four stories below her. With a sniff she turned from the window and surveyed her cramped apartment, the afghan tossed over the back of the under-stuffed sofa, the old Christmas cards piled on the bookshelf, the dinner table buried under old books, magazines and ancient photograph albums. She reached over and switched on the table lamp (was it Tiffany, like George always insisted?), because even in the brightest summer days, this room always stayed dark. It’s more of a cave than a living room, she remembered complaining to George. So he bought her the brass lamp. Adelaide relished the warm yellow glow of the lamp that filled the room as she settled in a chair at the dining table, the tan cushion wheezing under her shifting weight.
Gently pushing a pile of envelopes aside (bills, subscription notices from National Geographic, a check from social security… how much would she get this month? It was never enough.), she extracted one of the albums from the pile and set it before her. The cover was finely grained crimson leather, with the word “Album” scrawled pretentiously across the middle in an elaborate gold-tinted script. Adelaide touched the worn corner of the album, the leather thin from years of rubbing along a shelf, then opened the cover as it creaked stiffly from disuse (how long have these bits of her past been collecting dust on her bookshelves?).
The pages were thick paper that at one time had been white, but were now yellow deepening to brown at the ragged edges. All the photographs were black and white, but Adelaide never noticed the plain color scheme, the unskilled photography, the grainy quality of the images. The pictures awoke memories that lain dormant for far too long, memories that made the still images come alive (and bring the dead back to life, if only for a moment).
George smiled brightly out of the first photograph, his horn-rimmed glasses perched merrily his slightly crooked nose. His hair was still thick and dark, although (she inspected closely) his receding hairline was just beginning to show. In his lap, a plump baby offered a double-toothed smile at the camera as he clutched a ball that the cocker spaniel puppy was trying to pull from his grasp. How old was Jonathan in that picture, two? Three? Before Jon and his younger sisters had gone off to high school and then college, she could place the age of a child to the month. But it was so long ago, she had lost that ability without even realizing it. She remembered the nickname George had given him – Jonny Two Tooth – and she smiled gently at the child’s gummy and exuberant expression.
“Take the picture, Adelaide!” George laughed. “He’s not staying here much longer.” Jonathan squirmed in his arms and chortled at the puppy’s attempts to take his ball. He put two pudgy fingers in his mouth and gripped the ball harder with the other hand, his socked feet kicking happily.
“Look here, Jonny!” Adelaide chirruped, waving her fingers in front of her baby’s face. He looked up for a moment, his eyes shining with life. She clicked the shutter and captured their happiness on Kodak film. Jonny’s eyes widened and blinked at the sudden flash, his lower lip shining with a bead of drool that threatened to drip onto George’s wrist. The puppy growled playfully and tugged again at the ball, and Jonathan wriggled from his father’s grasp to pull on the dog’s ear.
“Be nice to Peanut, dear,” she said gently, but too late. The dog nipped at the boy’s pudgy wrist, who responded by collapsing into a heap of yelps and tears on the floor. The dog scampered off as George scooped his son off the floor and tickled him until he smiled again. George lifted the boy above his head, tossed him up gently and caught him again, making Jonathan shriek with laughter. “Stop, darling. You shouldn’t do that to him.” Adelaide said nervously.
“He might get hurt,” she whispered, her finger tracing the edge of the picture. One corner was starting to lift off the page, and she pressed it back down with her thumb. The tea kettle whistled. She had forgotten that she put it on the stove. Sighing, she pushed her hands on the surface of the table and slowly rose to her feet. The kettle’s whistle dissolved into a frantic scream, and Adelaide grumbled as she shuffled into her tiny kitchen, “I’m coming, I’m coming, almost there….” She switched off the burner with a snap and poured the steaming water into her favorite mug, given to her by a student when she taught third grade at Sunnyvale Elementary ages ago. As the aroma of oranges and cloves wafted into the air, Adelaide carried the mug back to the dining room table and slowly sat down in her chair....

stress? in the middle of the summer? whaaa..?

I’m supposed to be working on my thesis all summer, but I can’t seem to find the inspiration to get started. I’ve watched a few movies, made a few paltry notes, but it just doesn’t seem to be even beginning to roll. I don’t know if it’s the magnitude of the project, or the fact that I don’t know what I’m doing with feminist criticism because I’ve never done anything like that before… or maybe it’s the sense I’m getting that I’m not going to be breaking any new ground with this. That all of this has been done before. That maybe I should have chosen to look at documentaries or film noir or something else. Is there anything coherent that I can say about these films that someone hasn’t said already? Smith expects me to have a thesis by the end of the summer – a most basic step in writing a paper, an idea to build upon, a point to argue. And I don’t know what it could possibly be. Or even if I can get one by August.
I feel like I have too much to do. I have to research grad schools (scary thought!! how am I ever going to finance two or three years at someplace like NYU?), prepare for the GRE, research for my thesis (tons of reading/movie watching/notetaking/writing), work 7 hours 15 minutes a day, give a tour a week or so, do whatever maid of honor stuff I’ll need to do, and work on my portfolio of creative writing for grad school applications. Because I have nothing near what I’ll need to submit – I’ve never written anything near 30 pages! I suck at life. Writing is supposed to be my greatest love, something that makes me ME and yet I don’t do it anymore. Sure, I can write a research paper or an essay on a novel with basically no problem... But creative writing – it seems that my ideas aren’t worthwhile. So I get frustrated and give up. Way to be, Suzi.

Fa fa...

When you look in the mirror, wish you were somebody else
Just a perfect reflection, you and no one else
Minutes run into hours, hours run into days
You're still waiting for someone who never ever came
Fa Fa-Fa Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa
Never be the same again
Fa Fa-Fa Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa
Never be the same again
You were always saying something, you swear you'd never say again
You were always saying something, you swear you'd never say again
Fa Fa-Fa Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa
Never be the same again
Fa Fa-Fa Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa
Never be the same again
Go and run through the hallways, and find your way to the door
You will end up like always, back where you were before
Can you look in the mirror, wish you were somebody else
But it's still your reflection, you and no one else
You were always saying something, you swear you'd never say again
You were always saying something, you swear you'd never say again
Fa Fa-Fa Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa
Never be the same again
Fa Fa-Fa Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa
Never be the same again
No matter where you go, you'll never find your way home
You'll never find your way home no matter where you go
You were always saying something, you swear you'd never say again
You were always saying something, you swear you'd never say again
Fa Fa-Fa Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa
Never be the same again
Fa Fa-Fa Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa
Never be the same again
--Guster


:-D

the summer's heating up...

luckily we've had air conditioning installed in our room. because i have "allergies" -- sometimes it's useful to be allergic to all sorts of pollen.

i'm also allergic to dogs and cats, but did that stop me from spending 15 minutes in a pet store yesterday, petting every little fuzzer in there? hells no. sure i was sneezing, but it was totally worth it. there was this hyperactive little ball of white fluff with a puppy tongue on one end and a waggy tail on the other, practically jumping out of his clear plastic pen. fluffer came with a good set of teeth, but i liked him anyway. he had a tendancy to launch himself at his jack russell neighbor, but seeing as they were in separate pens, he kept bouncing off the plastic wall. silly puppy. i also met some nice rabbits - they like to sit on top of each other - and some adorable tiny kittens. two identical greys and a black that all meowed quietly and liked me to pet them. and a bitty little ball of fuzz, a very sad kitten that needed lots of love. it broke my heart to see her there, i almost bought her.

i wasn't in the mall just to go to the pet store and pet the animals (although, i have been known to do that..) - i bought shoes for Carrie's wedding (maid of honor -- woot!) and also lingerie for her bachelorette party. buying a slinky (but not too slinky) nightie for my big sister was a bit weird, but after much shuffling through a rainbow of silk and lace, i settled on a little pink number. not that you care. mission accomplished - i bolted out of there.

i went to the movies with a guy this weekend, named George. How we met is of little importance. the important thing is that we had a good time together, and it was comfortable. so we'll see where this goes - i think we're off to a good start, anyway.

so this coming weekend is carrie's bachelorette party, it should be lots of fun. and it's 4th of july weekend, and we have a party to go to with family friends... we never have big 4th of july parties so i'm excited.

i saw on msnbc.com today that a u.s. marine has been captured by iraqi militants, and they're threatening to kill him. i almost cried when i read it -- how many people have to die in this damn war?

Day 1

I gave birth to a blog today. either this makes me very trendy or just a big dork.


for the literary minded: today is bloomsday. james joyce fans around the world are uniting in literary fervors to celebrate the 100th anniversary of the day in which the astoundingly-difficult-to-read-yet-nontheless-highly-regarded novel known as Ulysses takes place. pass the guinness.